September 13, 2016

Jubei Quest - Cold Gettin' Dumb


Taking a breather before getting to work on the Cooler is proving to have been a wise move on my part.  There's actually text indicators showing that I'm on the right path while working on it, I was just too dumb to realize it.  This saves me a whole lot of work I was dreading having to do up until now.

Now we are so happy!  We do the dance of joy!

Now that no one needs fear ever having to drink a lukewarm beer again, I am fully expecting Penta to come over to the main world and join my posse, which conveniently has one slot available.  Imagine my surprise when we ended up with Rock.  Like Shiro at the end of his quest, Rock has an epiphany and a name change, which I promptly change back to Rock.  I don't even remember what the name is because I didn't write it down.  It doesn't help that our first meeting got off to somewhat of a bumpy start.

Hey!  Don't you try to oppress me with
your binary genders!  Triggered!

Rock is a straight-up melee bruiser with no special abilities other than good stats, but I still put him in the back row with some other guy I've never seen before.  Now it's off to the Ice Castle to defeat Daruma, who has kidnapped and frozen all the spring spirits in order to bring about perpetual winter.  To thaw them out, I bring some Fire Sake, don the goose down parka and solid gold toque, and set off for the frosty Ice Castle, which I'm sure will have its own set of challenges.

Including multiple rooms of this bullshit.

Doing a header into a pitfall sees me back at the castle entrance, not just falling a level down, and I'm ashamed to say that it wasn't long before the entrance and I became fast friends.  It's not that getting across each set of two chasms is all that difficult; rushing across as soon as they close is a guaranteed win.  The problem is that often there's an encounter whilst traversing and the nanosecond it takes me to get my bearings after usually results in disaster.  I think if I just stayed still, I'd be fine, but I panic every time and clumsily try to still get across, sometimes even in the wrong direction.  Eventually, a cooler head prevails and I'm defrosting fairies like a boss — at least until I run out of Fire Sake.  Damn there's a lot of these fucking fairies.  Luckily I've been finding sake in chests but I still manage to run out.  Rather than warp back to town and restock, I press ahead and hope to find more.  I'm pretty deep into this castle here; there's no way I want to attempt all those chasms again.  Most of the chests have traps but Jirokichi has around a 90% success rate disarming them.  Even if he fails, the penalty is normally some paltry damage or a fight, though there is one annoying, but rare, trap type.

As in, warp to the boss?...  Please?

Usually, even with a 1 in 10 chance to fail, I'm still not giving Jiro the opportunity to act out against me again, but damn, I needs some sake so I risk it.  How does it turn out?  Well, I can't count the exact number of foreskin lashings that Jirokichi is receiving, but suffice it to say, his penis is now effectively a vagina.  I vow never to return to the Ice Castle.  I've got the lion's share of the Cosmotrons; Dr. Main probably can't do shit without 'em.  Unfortunately, the castle dominates my dreams and I know I won't be able to rest easy until I beat Daruma.  I collect more shame as I abuse savestates in order to get across those dang chasms.  I then absolve the shame by rationalizing that the chasms are a realtime event and Inconsolable is all about the turn-based, baby.  In no time flat, I reach Daruma and punish him for having such an irksome castle by siccing Shiro on him.

Shiro has passed the point of just
merely biting his adversaries.

Daruma can't possibly hope to stand up to the ferocious combo attack by our resident high damage specialists, Shiro and Stanley.  Shiro casts his Double spell on Stan who then employs his 2nd Dan attack, which gives him a second attack.  This sums up to a total of FOUR attacks, allowing Stan (the man) to start slicing shit up like a samurai.  I get the obligatory Cosmotron and head back to town, where I head a rumour about a village to the south cursed with some sort of zombie problem.  I decide immediately to help, as I have plenty of experience in battling the endless hordes of the living undead.

Yeah, see, what cha got here is yer typical class 3
zombie infestation.  I'm seein' a lot of that this
time of year.  Now, what ya need is some good
quality, blessed holy water.  Me, personally?
I don't use anything less than a level 15 cleric,
but that's just me.  Now, look, I've got some HW
right outside in the van, I can get started
immediately after you just sign here.

August 22, 2016

Jubei Quest - Watch the Ice Break


Chapter six starts off with a seemingly insurmountable task — to breach the Great Wall of China.

Oh, I mean Semi-Great Wall
of China... good one, game.

Local rumour has it that a man named Shisan Buto once travelled beyond the wall and if only I could find his treasure, I'd be able to do the same.  I guessed the treasure to be good ol' TNT, but it ends up being something way better.

Tramapoline!  Trambopoline!

The elation Shiro and I feel as the layers of the wall rush past us is near indescribable, hampered only by the realization at the apex of our trajectory that perhaps we didn't quite think this cunning plan all the way through.  Lucky for us, we land in the dumpster of a nearby pillow and cloud factory, so everything's totes fine.  Too bad there's yet another wall cutting me off from the desert where I know another Cosmotron lies in a hidden pyramid.  To navigate said desert, I need to enlist the help of an old pervert named Hidebiro, who used to reside in the pyramid with his harem.  I also find out that there's been an earthquake in the Aurora Kingdom, far to the north, and it has wrecked their most sacred and revered Cooler!  With the fates of hundreds of shindigs hanging in the balance, all thoughts of Cosmotrons are put aside, for Shen is not one to let stop the body-body rock.  I then remember that not only is a semi-impressive wall in my way, I'm also at a desert, so I'm probably nowhere near the arctic.  As luck would have it, Shiro has just found a blue book, which, when read by Other Guy, whisks our perspective to Aurora, specifically to a young penguin named Penta, wearing only a viking helmet and a sly grin.  Young Penta has been charged with fixing the Cooler before all the ice melts and renders an inhospitable terrain somewhat more habitable.  He's given a handful of gold to equip himself and... oh wait, not gold.

Oh, so it's going to be like that?  Well then, game on.

While Penta is saving the entire biome, he might as well pull double duty as a delivery boy and take his wedding band to the village of White Bear.  Right now though, the village is cut off by a river that normally isn't there, so Penta'll have to take the long way around.  On the way, he stops by the creatively named Seal Village and picks up a teammate.  Lucky is a cute seal who was sick of the attention she got so she disguised herself as a granny but she still got it anyway.  Or maybe it's the other way around, I'm not really paying attention as my focus is completely on Lucky's considerable assets.

Even white boys got to shout Lucky's got back.

Lucky brings some much needed healing for Penta but the going is tough as neither penguin or seal are particularly equipped for dealing with anything other than fish.  This changes when they pick up their third companion, a rock golem named Rock.

Greetings Rock!  Ice to meet you.

Rock helps tremendously but even his might isn't enough to make the later sets of monsters a breeze or anything.  Many of them have strong party-damaging abilities but thankfully Penta has picked up some healing power of his own.  The boss guarding the defunct Cooler is the golden child of the JB Quest naming think-tank, a metal block called Metal Block.

Never, vile fiend!  You can snow to hell!

While Metal Block wasn't too difficult of a challenge, fixing the Cooler is another matter entirely.  No member of the party has completed their apprenticeship in Cooler repairs, so the survival of their civilization hinges on good ol' trial and error.

I normally go punch, kick, then leave.

Penta tries a bunch of random combinations but nothing seems to happen.  Instead of beginning a procedural sequencing of possibilities, Penta pouts and we're suddenly back to Shen Quest, still looking for a way past that second wall.  Ugh, I hate to do it but I guess it's time to call on Jirokichi, who spies up a super useful piece of intel.  He suggests that we simply explode the wall but he provides no details as to where to any explosives may be located.

An awkward 5 second silence follows as Jiro
slowly realizes that perhaps he shouldn't have
stayed up all last night playing Counterstrike.

To his credit, JK does make one of his patented sweet fortress posters, so I'm letting him off light with only twenty foreskin lashes.  The poster also reveals that the pyramid has been refurbished from a harem to a factory that makes humans into food.

Whatever, they both process meat.

I think the daily foreskin lashings are starting to take their toll on Jirokichi, as he's starting to act out in a most passive-aggressive manner.  I had just sent him out to spy, even though we were at a hermit's hut and not a place of, you know, population.  He responded to this slap in the face by donning a ridiculous outfit and then straight-facing his routine non-information.

So, I'm thinking fifty, maybe sixty for
today.  Does that seem fair, Jiro?

Despite JK's unefforts, I'm doing well enough on my own.  I've found the "Gain Burst" explosives as well as Hidebiro, whose youth I restore with bingbing essence so that he can make the trek across the desert.  The explosives are super effective, not content to just destroy one section but all several kilometres of it.  Hidebiro's youthful vigour coupled with his perverted old man mindset is becoming unsettling as he details what he's going to do with his harem.  I mean, I'm no prude, I like to get my freak on as many times as humanly possible, but this guy takes it to a whole new level.  More than once, I've caught him staring off towards the horizon after trailing off during one of his raunchy stories, mouth hanging open and drool dripping off his chin.  Once we find the pyramid, Hidebiro practically vaults off his erection into it and he's gone before any of us can even say "Eww."  I hope libido is enough to get Hidebiro through these monsters cuz these are some tough fights.  There's also pit traps which I absolutely suck at avoiding, extending each trip far more than it should.  Eventually though, I find the main factory and can't help but be a little impressed by the operation.

I like the open window policy allowing those
about to be minced to make eye contact with the
slaves being forced to kill them.  Nice touch.

Smashing the miniboss, a stack of large cans called Big Can, I shut down production, pausing only briefly to consider if I should call Jirokichi for one last time, if you catch my drift.  I decide against it, figuring there's probably some downside that I can't think of.  The boss of the pyramid, King Tutan, seems pretty tough as he has some very hurty special abilities.

Oh, I mean he had some very hurty special abilities.

Tutan's demise brings Hidebiro out of hiding and he vows to not only restore, but improve, his harem, making it more perverse than ever before!  Have fun with all that, Hide, because as chapter six closes, I just know that I'll be spending the beginning of chapter seven grinding through all the possible combinations for the Cooler.

July 27, 2016

Jubei Quest - Just Bean Brewed


After walking across sharks for what seemed like ages, Shiro and I finally arrive at the mainland and beeline it to the nearest town.  Too bad there are no immigration offices around because I can't understand a lick of what these folks are saying.  They just blather on and on, making no sense whatsoever.

Oh, so it's a nation of women, then?  HEYYYOOOO!

I head to the next town, hoping to find someone who speaks my native JRPGnese.  After talking to about fifteen people here, still no dice.  Getting exasperated, I power-walk to the final town in the area and still come up with nada.  Starting again from the first town, I find a hole in the ground just a bit north that I missed the first time.  Oh well, at least the monsters give good XP here.

Here's Shiro and I handling one of
the local menagerie with ease.

You'd think that our spy friend, Jirokichi, would be helpful in this situation, but you'd be dead wrong.  In fact, Jiro's performance over the past few chapters has steadily degraded.  Gone are the days of informative scrolls handcrafted with loving care and intel that is actually useful.  Instead, he just feeds me unsubstantiated rumours and hearsay and nowhere is it more obvious than here at the mainland.  Either Jiro knows the local dialect and should be translating for us, or he's just completely bullshitting me.  My money's on the latter.

That's obviously an embellishment, JK, but even if
it was true, what the fuck does that matter to me?
I'M AT HALF HIT POINTS AND
CAN'T STAY AT THE INN!

Anyway, back to the hole.  This little nerdlinger gives me a translation doohickey and soon we're embroiled in a local scandal involving illegal bean sprout trade.  Now, I'm no stranger to bean sprouts, as around half my suppers are fucking stir-fries, but I never figured them to be illicit in any way.  Further investigation reveals that it's actually a man named Lao Jai who wants to use the existing legal bean sprout trade route, ran by a Mr. Kyon Pi, to move his narcotic Ahan, which itself is derived from bean sprouts.  Kyon Pi is resisting Lao Jai's efforts which can lead to only one thing — MURDER!  The assassins strike down Kyon Pi right in front of us and disappear before any of us have a chance to care.  That little wiener that gave us the translator turns out to be Kyon Pi's son and now he wants to get back at Lao Jai for his father's brutal murder.  Well shit son, you are in luck because getting the revenge just happens to be the first and only question on the Nung Posse application form.  We all head to Pokin, where Lao Jai resides in his mansion.  Everyone in the town is right ripped on Ahan, except for one lovely lady who offers me a cup of tea.  I drink a pot of tea almost every day, so I immediately accept and, of course, it's spiked with Ahan, enough to knock all of us out.

Stupid like a fox!

We all awake inside of a cell with the real Lao Jai; the other is an evil imposter.  How to escape this trap?  Perhaps Jiro could appear and use some of his secret agent abilities to free us?  No, that won't work since he won't show his face if there's another person (or animal even) around, even if it means us rotting in here.  What's the next best solution?  Well, obviously it's to summon the spirit of Kyon Pi, have him hop all the way to Pikon, scare the Lao Jai imposter, causing him to fall down a flight of stairs, breaking his neck in the process, then take the key from the corpse and free us.  Ta-da!  From here, we head off to... oh wait, nevermind, chapter's over.  Ugh, looks like deciding to do one post per chapter was a stupid idea.  Then again, one could argue that this entire blog is a stupid idea, so I'll just stay the course.

Well, until next time, smoke 'em if you got 'em.